Putting the Personal in Personal Finance

“Don’t read the comments. Just don’t do it.”

I’ve given this advice to countless other writers after their work has been syndicated to a large platform or they’ve published their first piece on a site with lots of traffic and vocal readers.

Over the years I’ve gotten a pretty thick skin when it comes to ad hominen comments that focus on my youth, gender or looks instead of the content of my writing.

Recently, I broke my own rule and read the comments posted to a rather raw, intimate piece about getting financially naked with Peach.

The piece received a nice bit of traction when it first was published on this site. Then, NYMag reached out and requested to reprint it on The Cut in December. I agreed and after a few minor tweaks, the story went live.

The comment section is quite tame compared to others I’ve read, but a few points really struck me. So much so, that I felt the need to address them, ruminate on some, craft my response but also allow readers to tell me what they think.

Is debt just debt?

For those who did not read the original post, I share a story about the time Peach first told me his debt burden, which is in the form of student loans from earning his undergrad degree. (Props to Peach, he paid for his Masters by working full-time and paying out of pocket).

One reader deemed my conversation with Peach an “ugly judgment regarding debt…”. Based on the context of the comment, it appeared to bother her (assuming the poster is a woman) that I see a difference between credit card debt and student loan debt and that I even go so far as to call credit card debt a red flag. Student loan debt, while cumbersome and a nuisance to my financial goals, is not a deal breaker. Had Peach confessed being $30,000 in credit card debt – yeah, I might have reconsidered a future.

Would I have thought that credit card debt made him a bad person? No. Would I have been concerned if the credit card debt was the result of compulsive shopping or gambling? Of course.

The commenter has a right to feel that debt is debt and that it’s all created equally. I, however, disagree.

Does this make me judgmental about debt? Yes, I guess it does. Some people would never marry a smoker, or someone that doesn’t want kids or (heaven forbid) is a cat person. For me, I draw the line at abusing plastic.

via GIPHY

Forgetting people don’t know Peach

One issue with a reprint of your work on a major site is that readers don’t understand certain context. Regular Broke Millennial readers are used to me referring to my boyfriend as Peach. Quite a few even know why he goes by the moniker.

Unfortunately, to someone unfamiliar with my work, or my boyfriend, this seems like an “infantile or degrading nickname.”

I can see why. It sounds childish and cutesy. In a post all about how I’m the one financially further ahead, calling him Peach just sounds downright condescending.

Oops.

Peach is actually used not because he has a fuzzy exterior (he does have a significant beard) – but because it’s a play on his real name. I’m not the only one that regularly calls him Peach. But maybe in the future I use some run-of-the-mill name like “Joe” in reprints.Peach and Erin

People project on you

Personal finance is personal. You hear people go on-and-on about this detail. What works for me in my own relationship with money and my romantic relationship and our association with money is not a blue print for everyone’s success. Just like some married couples want joint banking and some don’t.

Putting my life experiences on display can help provide a sounding board for others – but that certainly doesn’t mean it’s the only way to success.

When Peach and I got financially naked, he made it very clear that he wanted to take ownership for his debt and that me absolving his debt from my savings wasn’t an option. I in return made it clear that if we were married it was no longer his debt but our debt because it impacted my life too. For that reason, I wanted to help. This is how we came up with our hypothetical strategy (because we aren’t married) of living off my salary, while the bulk of his salary (minus savings goals and some fun money) goes towards debt repayment. It enables Peach to feel ownership of his debt, while I still feel good about how efficiently the debt is getting paid off.

Interestingly, this hit a nerve for some. One comment eluded that if I ever used the “we lived off my salary” line in an argument it would mean Peach would quickly find himself a side piece.

What perplexed me, apart from thinking “Wow, this person doesn’t know Peach!” was that I would still be thinking of it as my money once we were married. I have a joint mentality when it comes to finances in a marriage. The money I earn and the money he earns is our money. Frankly, it’s probably all going into the same bank account anyway – but if it makes Peach feel ownership and satisfaction to be paying off his debt with the portion he contributes to the total pot, then so be it.

Were I completely supporting him while he tried to pursue a dream of making Buffalo Bills collectable bobble heads – then yeah, I might bring that up in an argument.

Perhaps the other reason this strikes a nerve with me as that I’m a woman writing about being the breadwinner. Had Peach written this story, do you think a commenter would say I, the wife, would be likely to step out on him if he brought up “supporting me”?

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Sexism rears its ugly head (let’s talk engagement rings)

And this brings us to one of my favorite conversations (other than money of course): sexism.

Another point I make in my story is that I’d prefer Peach ditch the engagement ring in lieu of a student loan payment.

This statement (and an accompanying post) comes from a real, true place in my heart in which I find the entire nonsense of engagement rings (and the token sexism) infuriating. I’d be more than happy to exchange plain wedding bands and call it a day.

A very real rage boils up inside of me when people – mostly women – imply, or straight up tell me, that I’ll resent my man if he doesn’t buy a shiny bauble when asking me to spend the rest of my life with him. What am I an infant? Do I need to get bribed with a shiny object to be convinced to do something? Should I be branded prior to marriage while he doesn’t have to be? Do I need to fall back on antiquated gender roles that would state he isn’t a good enough provider if my ring isn’t living up to the four C’s (yeah, I know jewelry things)?

*Pulling together my feminist rant*

I deeply, truly have no urge to get an engagement ring. However, Peach – as lovely a man as he is – does feel the need to provide one (damn you traditions!). So, when the day comes, I shall acquiesce to wearing one so long as I don’t get a separate wedding band and we just use the very basic engagement ring during a wedding ceremony. Compromise. (I can feel all the married people reading this thinking, yikes, you are a tough cookie.)

Engagement rings are the perfect blend of consumerism and most excellent marketing campaigns. Oh, and a way to avoid a woman suing for her damaged reputation if she compromised her virtue before the wedding night.

Moral of the story

If everyone agrees with your writing, then you’re doing something wrong. Yes, it’s fun to respond to critics in this type of forum, and I’d probably be a little bummed if no one disagreed with me (feel free to do so on this post too). Getting trolled a little bit means you’re mixing it up and making people think. Plus, it also means complete strangers are reading your work and taking the time to comment. So really, how cool is that?

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Posted in Dating, Millennials Tagged with:
32 comments on “Putting the Personal in Personal Finance
  1. I totally agree about engagement rings, Erin. But I’m also not interested in getting married. And I’ve noticed several people get defensive when I’ve said that. The truth is, seeing a couple think for themselves rather than blindly follow the norm can be threatening to some. That’s part of why you’re seeing nasty comments.

    Congrats on being published in NYMag!
    Kate @ Cashville Skyline recently posted…My Eighth Net Worth OvershareMy Profile

    • Broke Millennial says:

      All about projecting I guess. Just because we disagree with a way of doing things doesn’t make their way wrong. Just different.

  2. Laura says:

    Yes, you are a tough cookie, but we already knew that and love youmore for it. Haters are going to hate. You two keep doing your thing!

    Lots of love,
    Laura

  3. Alicia says:

    I really enjoyed this; I agree with you on a lot of your points and love that you speak your mind. Keep it up! 🙂
    Alicia recently posted…Influester Spice VoxBox: Products ReviewsMy Profile

  4. Anna says:

    I find your approach to paying off his debt genius! I am in a similar situation (no debt, but long term boyfriend has student loans) and I think it is a great way to get the loans down quickly and efficiently. Using most, if not all, of his income (much more than mine) for loans, and living off of mine. In the end, does a man’s pride matter more than being debt free? Nope.
    Thanks for the advice.

  5. I think engagement rings are one of the most superfluous things ever created and when people go ballistic defending YOUR choice to opt out, it truly blows my mind.

    STOP READING COMMENTS 🙂
    Stefanie OConnell recently posted…‘Yes, And…’ Your LifeMy Profile

  6. Tara says:

    I’m with you on different kinds of debt. Yes, someone who is asking for bankruptcy on $50,000 worth of medical bills could be a different ball of wax than someone asking for bankruptcy on credit card bills… but there’s always a backstory to credit card debt too–a person could have been reliant on them for years due to helping out an ailing relative so judging debt on the surface may not be right 100% of the time.

    Also, how can you not like cats? As someone who suffered through two mice infestations in a NYC apartment, we had to get a cat. You couldn’t plug the holes fast enough without the mouse chewing through another portion of wall!

    • Broke Millennial says:

      True, it may not be right 100% of the time — but to me it’s definitely a red flag worth having a chat. Just like an excessive amount of student loans, like $200,000 for a bachelor’s degree is worth a chat too. Could be some big problems there.

      And I’m 100% a dog person! 🙂 Thank goodness I haven’t seen any mice in my apartment!!

  7. I shared my personal financial story on a big, non-PF site about six months ago and got skewered in the comments. Writing on your own site with a regular readership – or at least the presumption that readers will figure out a little about you before making negative or personal comments – is so different from writing for numerous-author sites or for audiences that don’t regularly read PF material (your points 2 and 3). I’m going to keep that forefront in my mind before I submit something so personal again.

    Also, ITA that student loan debt – if not unreasonably large or for a non-marketable degree – is a different animal that CC or other consumer debt. Aside from the interest rates/other terms, you’ve essentially bought a valuable asset that will pay for the debt. It’s not collateralized exactly, but it’s similar.
    Emily @ evolvingPF recently posted…December 2015 Budget ReportMy Profile

    • Broke Millennial says:

      I agree that student loan debt isn’t always forgivable (perhaps the wrong word) either. It could also show some red flags about financial abuse in the family as well if a person has $200,000+ out on a bachelor’s degree in philosophy, or something along those lines. Gotta have these convos early!

  8. This is what I love/hate about my friends reading the comments sections on larger sites. I love that you analyzed some of what you read and responded in the way you wanted to respond so you have the “last word” so to speak. But I hate reading what people wrote about people that I truly know and love. At the end of the day, haters and going to hate and we will never please anyone except if we are true to ourselves. If we know ourselves well, then it really doesn’t matter what other people say. Keep speaking your mind and sharing your voice, I personally love hearing/reading it!

    • Broke Millennial says:

      I shall keep speaking my mind! I ultimately still love that no matter the comments, people I don’t know are taking the time to read and comment on my work. That’s pretty awesome.

  9. Kevin says:

    Great article! I love how open you are to your audience. I feel that it shows how real you really are and I respect that.

  10. Dane Hinson says:

    It always amazes me how brash people can be behind a computer. I think you responded with professionalism, which is all you can really do. At the end of the day, the reason people are reading your work is because it’s engaging in the first place.
    Dane Hinson recently posted…The Cost Raising of KidsMy Profile

    • Broke Millennial says:

      I love keeping your last point in mind when I come across some nasty comments. None of the ones on NYMag were really nasty, but I have certainly encountered that before.

  11. You are absolutely right about debt situation. Wat it is matter? Only what matters is how it happened. Is it debt caused by reasonable investing or is it came trough consumption.
    Thanks for sharing!
    Temmy T. Jones recently posted…The Guide To Crowdfunding And How It WorkMy Profile

  12. Wow, people get a little crazy about money, eh? It’s good that you’re able to keep a good perspective on things ’cause wow, so much insanity. We all put a little of ourselves out there when we write so it’s your post is a great reminder. Keep doing your thing. 🙂
    Lindsey @ Cents & Sensibility recently posted…Are New Year’s Resolutions Worth It?My Profile

  13. James says:

    I read the story on NyMag. Congrats to you! By the way, reading comments of readers is one great way to see whether they liked it or not and it’s one way of seeing your improvement with regard to writing or crafting your intention for readers to understand. But, you gotta ready yourself because comments may sometime come very harsh.
    James recently posted…Welcome 2016My Profile

    • Broke Millennial says:

      Thanks very much, James. I do always engage on comments here, but it just depends on the platforms elsewhere. Some are just always trolls. I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

  14. People’s comments definitely are a reflection of themselves!

    I’ve never had the honor to have a major media outlet ask to republish my stuff after seven years. What’s your secret? 🙂 Maybe pictures and videos help?

    I gotta go check the post out now!

    Sam
    Financial Samurai recently posted…Invest In My 401k Or Save For A House Downpayment?My Profile

  15. I’m going to write a post about my e-ring soon. I went with a non-traditional stone and my fiance saved thousands of dollars in the process. I’m just as happy with it, I don’t feel it’s “fake,” and no one knows the wiser. Beyond the e-ring though, I am having trouble justifying a humongous spend on the wedding. My fiance also has $30k and some change in student loan debt and I have the same philosophy on its our money. I’d much rather start to chunk down that debt than spend a ridiculous amount of money on four hours. Unfortunately, a wedding is a big community thing and very important to my family so I am trying to find a way to wedding hack it but even spending a few grand on it seems ridiculous. Forget about the commenters and keep doing you!
    MB @ Millennial Boss recently posted…Review of Chautauqua 2015 in EcuadorMy Profile

  16. I couldn’t agree more with you that all debt is not created equal. First of all, student loans are typically at a lower interest rate. But much more importantly, it adds value (an education leading to a higher paying career).

    Credit card debt offers absolutely no value whatsoever. It causes you to pay more in the long run for whatever you’re charging. It encourages you to spend more money than what you’re bringing in. In reality, you should never ever carry a balance on a credit card. If you can’t afford to pay it off at the end of the month, then don’t buy it!

  17. Kara says:

    I feel EXACTLY the same about engagement rings. Total bs marketing ploy. If my future husband wants to give me a family ring, that’s fine. Other than hat, plain wedding band and save the money for a down payment on a house.

  18. Tory says:

    Great article, way to speak your mind!

  19. Luke roxas says:

    Witty ! I’d love to anticipate what else can happen between you and “peach” haha ! I hope to hear more from you with this kind of articles 😀

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